Love is not for me. Or maybe I should say relationships are not for me.
Really, I don’t think everyone is cut out for relationships. The last time I talked about love, it was about my failed relationship attempt. However, I finally fell in love but had my heart broken. And today, I’m going to talk about my heartbreak experience.
Here’s my story;
Marjorie (not real name) and I had been dating for 2 years. People say, “Be with someone that complements you,” but I don’t believe in that philosophy. I think people should be with someone that’s one of their kind. For example, if you’re a very emotional person, be with someone that’s also very emotional else you’ll feel cheated in the relationship. If you’re nerdy, don’t just go for beauty. Go for someone who loves knowledge, else both of you will bet bored with conflicting (discussion) interests.
Now, back to the story.
Marjorie was my kind. Added to that, she had very appealing physical features and a smile and voice that can melt even Joseph Stalin’s heart: which made me love her all the more. I saw my ideal wife in her. We were already planning to get married until this happened. Read on.
On a beautiful Saturday morning, we cooked together. Actually, she cooked while I stood behind her, holding her by the hips and exploring all her features with my hands. As a guy with poor culinary skills, that was the best physical support I could give her. And I know you do that, too.
That evening, we took a walk along the quiet and dark street. I felt like I was in paradise: there was no place I’d have rather been. When we got back, we watched ‘The Great Gatsby’ before going to bed. When I look back in hindsight, I realised why she picked that movie. The night was steamy. Our chemistry, off the charts and everything was just perfect, until two days later… Bam!
She texted saying, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I called her umpteen times and all I got was the sexy automated voice of the answering machine. I was puzzled and kept quizzing myself, ‘What happened? What did I do wrong? Did I say anything crazy? I thought everything was perfect. What What What? The ‘whats’ didn’t seem to end and the answers were not forthcoming.
I spoke with a couple of her friends and they told me she moved out of town, and reality dawned on me. I was like, ‘Oh my God. Why didn’t she tell me?’ I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. It took me a while to get over her but I’m happy again and I’d like to share how I healed my broken heart and got my life back to normal, if not even better. Number 7 is very important.
The first thing I did was cry. I know you’ll say, ‘But that’s impulsive.’ Yeah, that’s true but many people try to suppress that bust of emotion. Do men cry? I don’t know. But I sure wept my eyes out, and it did me some good. I found great relief in that. Now, here’s what crying does for you. It helps you regulate your emotions, calm down and, reduces distress.
Science has proven that shedding emotional tears releases oxytocin ‘love hormone’ and endorphins ‘happiness hormone’. These will help you reduce emotional pains. So if you’re feeling terribly hurt? Pour your heart out in tears as I did. Don’t hold them back.
I expressed my emotions
I was tired of everything. Life became tasteless. And when I saw women, I went like, “Grrr!” You know that kind of emotion that drives women to say, “All men are the same,” like they’ve dated every man on the planet. I felt that too.
There were times I screamed, ranted, threw things around (without breaking anything) and got angry for no reason. Men are emotional beings too, so don’t be surprised. For some people, it can be more intense, and if you feel like doing any of these, please feel free. Those bust of emotions is good for your sanity. It releases some emotional load from your heart.
Expressing your emotions helps you left off some steam, calm down a bit and relieve you of some stress: you’re already struggling with coming to terms with the reality of your crashed relationship, you don’t want your entire life crashing with it. So don’t bottle things up. Just ‘set fire to the rain’ like Adele did.
And for the record, all men are not the same. You can try me out. *winks.
I talked to a confidant
Whether you’re grieving about a failed relationship or hurting about something else, you need a confidant to talk to. Everyone needs someone to talk to: someone to make you feel comfortable and most importantly, someone to just listen to you rant. In my case, I spoke with my friend, he wasn’t the best listener but he was good for listening to my balderdash.
Communication is key in the early post-breakup stages. Don’t just get angry and disappointed and lock yourself up. Talking to a friend or family or counsellor about the pains you’re going through can help take some pains off your aching heart and some burden off your shoulders.
I got a new hobby
Being with my ex-lover was my favourite hobby. And my second favourite was chatting with her. So you see, I was surrounded by her even when she wasn’t there. As she left, I needed a replacement (actually, two). Reading and writing played a role in healing my wounded heart and coming out of depression.
Were you a bookworm or you loved painting? Did you love surfing, watching movies, or travelling? Did you sacrifice those for your ex? Now is probably the time to get back to your old love. You can replace them with something you loved doing and if there’s something new you’ve always thought of trying out, exploit this opportunity.
Don’t hurry into another relationship
It could be tempting to immediately meet up with another person you feel attracted to: like getting under someone to get over a bad breakup. Don’t! It’s too early. You need some time off. You’ll soon find you’re doing that to get back at your ex and you’ll feel terrible about it.
I tried hooking up with a few other ladies almost immediately but it turned out I kept hurting myself the more. The sex were bland. The dates only reminded me of my ex. I knew I wasn’t ready for a new relationship.
Let this phase pass. Think things through and you’ll determine if you need a new heartthrob to make you feel better.
Begin a new project
When they say love is blind, it doesn’t only mean it blinds you from noticing the not-so-good qualities of your lover, it sometimes also blinds you from other value-adding activities and opportuniti4es that can be of great profit to you. Begin a new project. Buy a new course. Acquire a new skill. Learn something new or be a volunteer. Like I said, I began writing.
Many people have experienced heartbreaks and went on to write great novels, songs, or poems based on their experiences. Put your erstwhile romance experience or your current hurt feelings to good use. I personally think Adele has gone through some real heart-shattering breakups, and the powerful and emotional songs we enjoy from her are her experiences.
Reflect on your recent experience
While I was pushed to say my ex-lover was an asshole, deep down, I know she wasn’t a terrible person. Maybe I was the problem. Nobody wants to take responsibility for a failed relationship but being brutally honest with yourself can do you a lot of good.
Look inwards and reflect. Sometimes, it helps to look at yourself with the eyes of others. Try to see other people’s perspective of your behavior. Maybe your ex-lover probably got tired of putting up with your excesses: that’s not to say you’re a terrible person. You just need to make some necessary changes. Try to regulate some toxic behaviors.
While there are behaviors that are imprinted in our DNAs, there are some we can work on. You might be hot-tempered, proud, a perfectionist, or too clingy or demanding. This is the time to create the best version of you. Learning to curb these could be the silver lining of the heartbreak.
Don’t kick yourself over the failed relationship. Instead, recreate a you that you’ll be prorud of.
Take some time off everything
Maybe a vacation or change of environment is what you need to gain sanity again. Being in a place void of distractions can help you focus on your life and your next course of action.
Seeing new faces and surrounding yourself with a new aura is also healthy for your mind. If you can’t afford a vacation, maybe chilling in the park or somewhere you’ll be in close contact with nature can detoxify your mind of those depressing thoughts and emotions.
Spend more time with friends
You’re heartbroken. You hate every other member of the opposite sex and just want to cringe in bed sulking or boozing yourself to stupor. But will that help? I don’t think so.
Being alone is good but the more lone-time you spend, the longer it’ll take to detach from that previous hurtful experience. It’s time to move on. Hang out with friends. Reconsider those hookups and getaways with your friends you’ve been procrastinating. Having booze with your friends is better than solitary booze.
Make new connections
Socialize. Join Facebook groups: and by this, I don’t mean heartbreak groups. I mean groups with themes of your new interests. Personally, I dislike WhatsApp groups, but they might be good for you as you might get updates on issues that interest you.
And if you’re not on LinkedIn, you should consider setting up an account there. You could connect with professionals there that know more about your new skill, project, or interest. Being there could also be a stepping stone to a new job or business opportunity.
And connect with me on LinkedIn. I’d be glad to meet you.
Your case might not be a relationship. It might be one form of disappointment or another or you could be battling with depression. Applying all or some of these can facilitate your healing and recovery process. I also advise you to talk to someone today.
Share your story of how you moved on after a heartbreaking situation or depression. We’d love to learn. Also, let me know your objections and suggestions in the comment section.
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